Hangover
Angela Richburg
Not the kind you're probably thinking of, but the emotional hangover that hits after seeing your estranged child at an event or running into them unexpectedly. The feelings can pack a punch. The anticipation of these interactions alone brings heavy anxiety and a flood of questions. Will they acknowledge me, or will I be a stranger to them? Honestly, I’m not sure which is worse—it depends on the day. How strong do I feel? How confident do I feel today? Do I walk up and say hello? Whatever you choose, the awkwardness is real. It’s uncomfortable, unnatural—sometimes even humiliating.
Self-care is Critical (even when you are at the lowest of lows)
Angela Richburg
You’ve heard it, “You can’t take care of anyone else, if you don’t take care of yourself.” Yes, that is true. But in the briar bush of estrangement, I didn’t feel like I deserved to do anything nice for myself. I beat myself up relentlessly. Not exactly self-care. I did not want to take care of myself. Raise your hand, if you are with me. Honestly, I am not a depressed, lay in bed all day kinda person. But, estrangement, and the ache in my soul for my child (adult child), had me lying in bed, wanting to hide, and, at times, I honestly did not want to live anymore. I couldn’t see my life without this child. My estranged child was off at college, and I had one in high school. I felt like I had each foot in a canoe and the canoes where parting; I was tearing in two. I had to get myself together for my last child still at home. He needed me too. But I felt broken beyond repair. Did I mention that I am a terrible faker?! You could see and feel the despair all over my face.
Hello Identity Crisis
Angela Richburg
Who am I? Well, I was a mother, or I am a mother. I am still a mother. Mom is one part of me, but it isn’t the whole of me, any longer. Estrangement will hit all your triggers about identity, shaking you to your core. As a parent, I willingly sacrificed so much of myself for parenthood. My career took several years in the backseat for a 100% focus on motherhood. Some wants and desires have been delayed for the time and money it takes to parent, and youth sports! All great things, I wouldn’t trade any of it. All my life, all I ever wanted was to be a Mom. It slowly became my core identity. Being a parent, as we all know, doesn’t guarantee a happy life wrapped up in a perfect bow. Not just parenting, life doesn’t offer that either. I never expected divorce, parental alienation, or estrangement from my daughter. I know we all have battles we fight, but these have been my biggest hurts and shook my understanding about who and whose I am.
Blended Family: Not the Fairy Tale You Expected?
Angela Richburg
Let me start with this fact: blended families are HARD. You likely left a marriage after many years of hard, lies, lonely, and/or abuse. You have healing to do, but you long for love, friendship, and safety. You are older and wiser (you would hope!), and you know what you want and do not want.
From Loneliness to Acceptance
Angela Richburg
I never saw estrangement coming. Does anyone? Then, I never thought it would last very long. I kept telling myself it would be short lived. Not knowing how long I must endure and unable to see the end is gut wrenching. In the waiting, I tortured myself in my mind with “what ifs” and “what coulds.” What could I have done differently? What If I said more, what if I said less? What if I said something differently, didn’t say something, or did say something? The self-flagellation continued to feeling defective, deserving, being a horrible parent, etc. Down the rabbit hole I went. To make matters worse, out of shame and embarrassment, I kept it to myself. I felt like I was the only person in the world dealing with the pain of estrangement. The loneliness and heartache took me to a dark place of despair. 3 am is the magic hour, dark outside, dark in my heart and dark inside my head.