Angela Richburg

Jun 02, 2025

Self-care is Critical (even when you are at the lowest of lows)

You’ve heard it, “You can’t take care of anyone else, if you don’t take care of yourself.” Yes, that is true. But in the briar bush of estrangement, I didn’t feel like I deserved to do anything nice for myself. I beat myself up relentlessly. Not exactly self-care. I did not want to take care of myself. Raise your hand, if you are with me.

Honestly, I am not a depressed, lay in bed all day kinda person. But, estrangement, and the ache in my soul for my child (adult child), had me lying in bed, wanting to hide, and, at times, I honestly did not want to live anymore. I couldn’t see my life without this child. My estranged child was off at college, and I had one in high school. I felt like I had each foot in a canoe and the canoes where parting; I was tearing in two. I had to get myself together for my last child still at home. He needed me too. But I felt broken beyond repair. Did I mention that I am a terrible faker?! You could see and feel the despair all over my face.

Your village shrinks, big time, when you find yourself with an estranged child. Everything around you pokes your most tender spots, your triggers. Seemingly normal events are magnified. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, a church service about parenting, the Prodigal Son as your daily reading, cards in the grocery store, seeing another mother & daughter on an airplane. Every holiday. Let’s not forget social media, and all the ‘perfect’ families. Right?!?! It feels so hard. I felt like a broken record to my now small circle of trusted friends and family. The tears were so close to the surface all the time. I didn’t want to reach out to anyone, or respond to anyone, because I didn’t want anyone asking me about my estranged child. It hurt. I didn’t know what to say, and in the beginning, I vomited too much info if anyone asked me about her. That reminds me…one piece of advice, if you are in the early stages of estrangement, come up with a politically correct response when someone asks about your child, like, “I think she/he is doing fine. I don’t see him/her as much as I would like.” It is honest, but it’s not too much, and hopefully shuts down any further questions. It stings when you are asked about your estranged child. It’s a reminder of what you don’t have and desperately want.

In the waiting, what can you do?

1. Acknowledge that the messy middle sucks. All the power is in your estranged child’s hands. It feels like a mean game. Ok, not fun, but accept that. Radical acceptance. Get it out. In my personal situation and my coaching practice, I recommend naming all the difficult emotions (and some good emotions) you are experiencing. Good, bad, and ugly. No judgement. Be gentle with yourself. The days can feel very long.
2. Work on you. That is all you have control over. This is your reality, like it or not. SELF CARE! You matter. The best you can do is take care of yourself. Get to the healthiest version of you. Your lowest point is fertile ground for growth. What that means looks different for everyone.
   • Build your community: therapist, coach, safe & trusted friends, family, etc.
   • Release the energy. Exercise, sunshine, grounding, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, massage, etc.
   • Educate yourself. Estrangement isn’t a topic you likely read or educated yourself in, until it happens to you. It’s not a fun topic, and no one ever plans for estrangement. Reading books, articles, and listening to podcasts can help. But, not all information is helpful and good, so use good discernment. I can share my trusted sources. Putting a name to what is happening was helpful for me.
   • Protect your mind and heart. Not everything or everyone out there will be helpful and healthy for you. Find what works for you. Trust your intuition.
   • Other ideas: Journaling, a gratitude journal, a cold wet rag on your face, breathwork.
3. Look ahead with hope! Plan something, a vacation, a fun dinner reservation, or a day trip. Have something to look forward to. It helps, I promise.
4. AND…Let yourself off the mat. You can’t let anyone else off the mat, if you won’t let yourself off the mat.
5. Reach out for help. Don’t do it alone. If you think I can help, reach out for a discovery call.

What nice thing are you going to do for yourself today? Take one step today just for you!

With love,

Angela