Angela Richburg

May 27, 2025

From Loneliness to Acceptance

I never saw estrangement coming. Does anyone? Then, I never thought it would last very long. I kept telling myself it would be short lived. Not knowing how long I must endure and unable to see the end is gut wrenching. In the waiting, I tortured myself in my mind with “what ifs” and “what coulds.” What could I have done differently? What If I said more, what if I said less? What if I said something differently, didn’t say something, or did say something? The self-flagellation continued to feeling defective, deserving, being a horrible parent, etc. Down the rabbit hole I went. To make matters worse, out of shame and embarrassment, I kept it to myself. I felt like I was the only person in world dealing with the pain of estrangement. The loneliness and heartache took me to a dark place of despair. 3 am is the magic hour, dark outside, dark in my heart and dark inside my head.

I didn’t want to reach out to anyone. Who has a circle of friends going through estrangement? I haven’t heard of anyone. I was certain this estrangement wouldn’t last long. It would be over soon, and no one would know, or need to know. But what I have learned is estrangement, for a variety of reasons, usually lasts much longer than you anticipate, and is much more common than we think. So, I put on my seat belt and reached out for help. You can do the same.

Here is what I discovered. Estrangement requires a grieving process and grief is not linear. Two steps forward, one back. Write it out, if that is your thing. Talk it out, if that is your thing. Make sure you have safe friends, with whom you can be your most authentic messy self. No mask. Everything is not fine. And it’s ok to not be ok. Don’t hold it in or you will rot from the inside out. 

There is a critical component that changed my thinking and feeling. It is called radical acceptance, which I learned is fully acknowledging and embracing the present moment, including its difficulties and discomforts, without trying to change or control it. Easy concept to rationally understand, and very difficult to put into practice. Grieving, in all its messiness, must come first before radical acceptance. Grieve and cry, because estrangement is sad. Get angry. It can be infuriating. Only then was I ready to accept, radically, that I was an estranged parent, my heart was breaking, and I was ashamed about it… radical acceptance is hard. It feels impossible, especially when you are a parent, and your child surgically removes you from their life. It’s extra painful, salt in your wound, when you hear and know that they are communicating with your friends and family around you. I have had my fair share of pity parties. Why is this happening to me? Why are they doing this? Do they know how much I love them? If they did, they wouldn’t do this. I would constantly torture myself. Radical acceptance (and surrender) is a daily practice for me. It is what it is. 

Radical acceptance is what I needed to get through it. Deep breathing. Mantras of truth in your head. Grace for our imperfections. Honesty that we did good too. I also found that finding professional help in my estrangement with a counselor and/or a coach is critical. Find one. It is hard to immediately assemble a circle of supportive friends who can empathize, but you will need your army. More people are experiencing or have experienced estrangement than you would believe. As you radically accept your situation, share your story and maybe you will find purpose in your pain as well. You will need support to hold you up, when you are laying in a puddle of tears. Oh, the tears. Cry. Let it out. Estrangement is awful. The tears are cleansing. I feel closer to God when I cry it out at His feet. I have had many moments there. The loneliness can be crushing, but there is healing and support in community and in faith. 

There is healing and comfort for you (and me) in safe community, with professional help and time. Find your safe community. Reach out if I can help. It’s worth it. You are worth it. This estrangement doesn’t define me, and it doesn’t define you. Your estranged child wants to be seen, known and loved. So do you. I see you! 

With love,

Angela