Angela Richburg
Hello Identity Crisis
Who am I? Well, I was a mother, or I am a mother. I am still a mother. Mom is one part of me, but it isn’t the whole of me, any longer. Estrangement will hit all your triggers about identity, shaking you to your core.
As a parent, I willingly sacrificed so much of myself for parenthood. My career took several years in the backseat for a 100% focus on motherhood. Some wants and desires have been delayed for the time and money it takes to parent, and youth sports! All great things, I wouldn’t trade any of it. All my life, all I ever wanted was to be a Mom. It slowly became my core identity. Being a parent, as we all know, doesn’t guarantee a happy life wrapped up in a perfect bow. Not just parenting, life doesn’t offer that either. I never expected divorce, parental alienation, or estrangement from my daughter. I know we all have battles we fight, but these have been my biggest hurts and shook my understanding about who and whose I am.
Honestly, I have struggled most of my life with identity, but estrangement was the biggest, most “on the line” kinda identity crisis. When my daughter completely severed her relationship with me, I felt like I wasn’t a Mother anymore. Technically, I still am. In fact, my younger son needs me just as much as my estranged child ever did. So, time to step up, and act like I wasn’t sad and devastated. Ok, time to act like I am still a Mom. But how? My identity crisis was all over my face and splashing everywhere. First, I needed help. I had to accept exactly where I was. I needed to accept my current reality that I desperately didn’t want to acknowledge much less accept. I needed to feel all the feels. The panic, the shame, the loneliness, the darkness. I had to honestly name everything I was feeling, and it was dark! I had to lean on my counselor and my coach to lead me through that unlit path. I built a safe village, and it was lifesaving and giving. I highly encourage it. Reaching out, crawling out from that dark hole is brave and courageous. I desperately needed people to remind me I was more than a Mom. Being a Mom was a part of me, an important part, but only a part. I needed them to help me understand what was happening, and tangibly guide me back to a holistic view of myself, and most importantly, back to God. I had to let go of the would haves, should haves, could haves and the shame of it all. I had to own my part and let go of the stuff that wasn’t about me. (That is an ongoing process, by the way.) I needed help.
If you are struggling with estrangement, and the identity crisis that often accompanies it, I would love to guide you through it and encourage you. Taking care of yourself, radically accepting the truth about your circumstances, and reconnecting with who God says you are, are a few of the first steps. Continued grace, and a lot of gentleness for yourself is a requirement, and sometimes you need someone to remind you of these things and hold you accountable. Sometimes, you just need help.
I would encourage you to reflect on your gifts, especially those gifts you used in parenting. For example, I love kids, am thoughtful, and very nurturing. So, I am also using these gifts to love on kids through charities. I am just shifting some of my gifts right now. I don’t want to change who I am or harden my heart because of this estrangement. What can you do to reclaim your gifts and put them into action?
I also found it helpful to look beyond parenting. I made a list of things I love doing, and then intentionally build those into my life. I love having something to look forward to. Travel and adventure are important to me, so having a trip on the calendar helped me to look forward to peer through the darkness. Dreaming about the future is powerful. The future might not look like you always thought, and you can learn to accept that. Different can still be good, if you are willing to dream and see it. Hope.
Estrangement is just a part of my story (and maybe yours too). It is not who I am. I love being a Mom, wife, and friend, but there is so much more to me. And, I am still a Mom!
With love,
Angela
Angela Richburg
Hi, I’m Angela, and thank you for being here. Chances are since you are here, you have experienced hurt from divorce, estrangement, or both, much like me. Divorce and estrangement, and a lifelong personal journey of growth and healing has led me to find my purpose in the pain through coaching others through these challenges. Both traumas cut me to my core. At times, the hurt and rejection felt so overwhelming, almost as though they were going to take me down completely and define my life. With help and support from safe trusted people and my faith, I learned that these traumas don’t define me; they are simply part of my story- and, ultimately, they can be used for good.